The countdown is on. In less than two weeks the school year will begin. As I sit here organizing my Fall calendar (who needs free time between 3pm – 9pm, not this girl) I realize my kids aren’t ready. These kids are getting soft. I mean every day they swam at the pool, hung out with their friends and played tennis. These marshmallows had unfettered access to technology and the pantry. They get an “A” in summer vacation, but the party is over kids. It’s time to start your Back-to-School training.
Phase 1: Bore them to tears
You may think this is cruel and unusual training but just bear with me on this one. As a professional helicopter parent I try to fill every moment of their days with educational, balanced nutrition filled, PC activities. I mean I am MAKING PEOPLE and I get one shot, so I need to do this crap right. For these last two weeks before school I do NADA. Nothing. I leave them alone with their thoughts and siblings. The copter stays on the helipad and my three beauties moan about how it’s so BORING at home. It’s so BORING having free-will and no responsibilities. Hummmm – school is looking better isn’t it kids?
Phase 2: Pre-season conditioning
It’s cruel to send them to bed the night before school ON TIME and then wake them with the birds. I mean think about their poor little REM deprived bodies. This is no way to help them adjust. For a minimum of a week I am going to wake these beasts at 6am. Yes, it is earlier than they need to get up during the year. It’s brilliant. When I sweetly wake them (read flick on the lights and bang a gong in their ear) the first day of school, these kids will think they’re SLEEPING IN.
Phase 3: Weight Training
For a minimum of 3 days make your babies carry their shiny new backpacks filled to the brim (a couple of good sized rocks hidden in the bottom will really speed up the process). Those books are heavy and it’s time to get a jump start on those attractive groove marks in their shoulder blades. The backpack 3 day will get your child ready and their walk to school will seem like a gift.
Phase 4: Academic Bootcamp
Remember that big packet of summer math and reading your child’s teacher so lovingly sent home with their report card? Come on now, you know the one, it’s sitting right next to the Library’s “summer reading spectacular” booklet you had every intention of completing with your exceptional child. Well, now is the time to pull that sucker out. Once the cries of “we’re bored” start go in for the kill. You have about two weeks to get two months worth of schoolwork completed. Set those kids up at the dining room table and only let them take a break to work on their backpack strength training. You’ll have their brains turned back on and ready in no time.
Just four easy steps and your golden child will be ready and rearing to go back to school. Good luck my fellow ‘copter parents.